Benedict Arnold

I have always considered myself a loyal American. I grew up in a family in which I was always the black sheep. While my brother was fighting in Vietnam, I was attending the March on Washington to protest the war. I laughed as Nixon resigned on national T.V.. Even as my lifelong Republican dad berated me for not respecting "the office of the President!" I loved Bill Clinton, even after he got a BJ from that fat chick, in the White House. I still considered myself an American, while enduring 8 years of leadership by, arguably, the stupidest world leader in the history of mankind.

But, finally I've hit a wall. I am considering renouncing my citizenship. Where will I go. I'm leaning towards Slovenia. Apparently, they only have a population of 3 million. So, I figure there is plenty of room for growth.

You see I am rooting AGAINST the U.S. soccer team in today's World Cup match. I am a huge sports fan, yet I just can't sign off on this World Cup "fever" nonsense, that is supposedly gripping our nation. I hope that if the U.S. is eliminated from the tournament the media will stop bombarding us with this made up interest in soccer.

I was actually ready to at least watch the U.S. games. But these games are unwatchable. The continuous buzzing sound conjures up nightmares of some of my worst drug flashbacks! South Africa scores a great international coup by landing the games. It brings much needed attention and income to the region. And, yet the citizenry of South Africa insist on continuing to play those infernal horns during the games, despite making it impossible for casual fans to watch these matches. They exercise their newly gained human rights, even at the risk of tainting this prestigious world event. Hopefully, the loss of T.V. viewership, will be outweighed by local sales of vuvuzelas,( the traditional African horns), and earplugs. Earplug sales by the African company Utanga is approaching $50,000.

These horns only detract from a game that is already unwatchable on T.V.. I understand that soccer is the most popular game in the world. But, in the U.S. we have a lot of great games to watch. Games, where after the players run around for awhile, someone usually scores! And someone usually wins. And, the fans know when the games will end.

Well, before I could complete this article, the U.S. came back to tie(I'm sorry, got a DRAW with), Slovenia, 2 to 2. Wow, a real scoring explosion. Too bad there wasn't a winner, and the referee had to tell everyone that it was over.

So, depending on what happens in games later today, the U.S. may, or may not be eliminated from the tournament. In the meantime, I will watch the U.S. Open golf tournament, then Steven Strasberg's next game. Oh, and also do some research on Slovenia, and perhaps make some tentative travel plans.

Take Me To Your Leader

I don't pretend to know too much about politics, but, I just don't know what all the hullabaloo (hullabaloo?) is about illegal aliens. But, with all the controversy regarding the new Arizona law, I felt I needed to speak out.

Our society has always shown a fascination for aliens. Movies like Close Encounters and E.T. have reflected almost an affection for aliens. Heck, Star Trek and Star Wars have blossomed into virtual industries, with fanatical followings. Further, the U.S. has spent zillions of dollars on space exploration.

And now, all of a sudden, people are starting to come down on aliens. I didn't think our country had even acknowledged the existence of aliens. The people of Arizona must be on to something the rest of us don't know about. Perhaps the going ons at Area 51 are indeed being covered up.

I don't understand why Arizona has made illegal aliens such a priority. Even if there are aliens that are only landing in one state, aren't they already illegally residing in the country, until they apply for citizenship or possess work visas? Why pass additional legislation. That seems like a lot of government time and money spent on a duplication of laws.

The legislature in Arizona, and other states should be more concerned by more pressing issues. Protecting our borders against the onslaught of foreigners would be a prime example. Another concern I have is the epidemic problem of childhood obesity. Our country faces the very real possibility of being overrun by hordes of extremely fat people. Forget about global warming. This country could become so over populated by mostly gigantic people that our land's surface could literally collapse from the weight!

I don't want to be too much of an alarmist, so I'll get back to the original subject of this article. I guess if there are illegal aliens, and they don't become citizens, they should be asked to go home. I just wouldn't want to be the one to ask Yoda, or E.T. to leave. They're so cute.

Can I Get A Witness?

If a bear farts in the woods, and there is no one there, does it make a sound. That doesn't sound quite right, but...oh well.

I have done a lot of soul searching, in recent days. In fact I have just returned from a weekend sabbatical in the mountains of Tabet. I sometimes go there to clear my head, through prayer and meditation. I also like to partake of the local native girls, and the exotic foods the region has to offer.

You see, I have recently found myself on the horns of a dilemma. Those of you that have ever been on the horns of a dilemma, know just how painful that can be.

My problem is this: I am getting very little feedback regarding my new blog. I have become discouraged. And, it is not as if I haven't done my part to get the word out. I am paying 2 dollars a day to advertise my new blog. And, I have repeatedly contacted my two friends, to encourage them to read, and spread the word about my blog. Hey, I'm only one man.

Just when I was about to give up on continuing to share my words of wisdom, a wonderful thing happened. I logged on to my page today (that's computer talk), and found that a new "friend" had "joined" my blog. It reminded me of something my son said to me recently," Baby steps". How true. No matter that he is a social retard, and a drain on society. His words still ring true.

What I did in Tibet, was try to come up with new ideas to make myself known. I was watching T.V. recently. My favorite show was on," Paris Hilton's New Best Friend, England". It made me think, what do basically talentless people do, to become famous? And then it came to me, almost in a vision. They make a sex tape, and "accidentally" put it on the internet.

I gotta go. If Pamela, Lindsey and my beloved Paris can do it, why not me? Sure, the sight of me naked, will repulse people, at first. And, chances are the only woman who will have sex with me will be very fat and ugly. No matter. I owe it to my readers to become more known. And you know, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

Even though I'd like to think I would continue to write this column, with a limited number of readers, that's probably not true. After all, if the Pope wears a funny hat in the woods, and no one sees it, is it still funny?

The King is Dead

It saddens me to write this latest entry in my critically acclaimed blog. No, it sickens me. The last thing I want to do is upset my many readers. But, for the sake of responsible journalism, I feel bound to address the story of the latest fallen sports hero.

It took the country along time to get over the realization that O.J. is a murderer. And, just when we are starting to get a handle on the fact that Kobe and Tiger are adulterers, and Ben and L.T. may be rapists, another idol has sinned.

That's right, I'm talking about LeBron James. I can handle murder, cheating on your wife, rape and illegal drug use by athletes. It happens all the time. But, what LeBron did is unspeakable. He had a bad game.

I know, many of my readers who have been out of the country, or living under a rock (which I believe is the case with some of my readers) must be reeling to find out about LeBron. The rest of you, having to live with this reality for the past 48 hours have been, like me, for the most part, lying motionless, in the fetal position.

Fans like myself are suffering right now. But our pain must pale in comparison to that of the people of Cleveland. As if just living in Cleveland wasn't bad enough. The city that has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and little else, faces the very real possibility of another early exit from the playoffs, by the Cavaliers.

Perhaps you think I'm being a bit melodramatic about all this. Well, I'm not. You just don't have a grasp on what is truly important in this world. If you don't believe me just turn on any sports, or news show. LeBron is being blamed for letting down an entire city, and a nation of fans.

Never mind that he is only 25 years old. Never mind that he carries a crappy team on his back almost every night. And, forget that he is only playing a game. All you have to do is listen to just about every sportscaster. A person with his God given skills cannot be mortal. It is unacceptable.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, not only did he play poorly, and his team lost, but, according to all accounts, he has not been apologetic, or contrite enough.

I believe, that if the Cavaliers do not go on to win the NBA Championship, Lebron should be executed. After all, he is The King. History tells us that other kings, having let down their subjects, have met with similar fates.

Recovery?

I have a pet peeve. Reality shows. When they first started to show up on T.V. I saw them as a "bleep on the screen". But, now they have all but taken over the airways.

Don"t get me wrong. I like shows where a child's paternity is determined, and seeing how much weight big, fat girls can lose, as much as the next guy. I really like the shows where girls that the movie," Weekend at Bernie's" look alike Hugh Hefner has screwed, are filmed as they shop, and talk to friends (who have also been screwed (pawed?) by Hef). I especially like to watch shows where crack whores are arrested. It brings back fond memories of when I used to get arrested, while in the company of crack whores!

No, it's not those broadcast wonders that I have a problem with. It's the shows depicting people, "seeking recovery." As a recovering addict/alcoholic, I find them to be the most despicable shows on T.V.. The shows "Intervention" and "Celebrity (celebrity?) Rehab" come to mind.

I will not bog you down with a description of how difficult it is to become, and stay sober. That has been well chronicled by experts, much more qualified than myself. The problem is that these shows are so exploitive as to almost trivialize the real life struggles of fighting addiction.

I will not judge the effectiveness, or merits of the Intervention process. The grim success statistics speak for themselves. I understand that watching relatives scream, cry, and blame the addict for every family problem, except the stock market crash, is "must see" T.V..

What I don't get is that Celebrity Rehab. I'm kind of a media junkie ( another addiction?), but, I don't know who most of the celebrities are. Are they celebrities, if you have to be told who they are? Sure, I recognize the child actress who has made a living recounting her past screwups. And, who can forget the skanky madame, fat porn star, or the guy beat up by the L.A.P.D.?

And, that Dr. Drew. He is on every show on T.V., except ,maybe the Shamwow infomercial. He seems to be fairly knowledgeable. Can't he come up with a better show, than one chronicling the lives of has-beens, and never-beens pretending to be serious about recovery?

O.K. I'll stop ranting now. I'd like to think I'm committed to my recovery. But, just the thought of those shows makes me want to have a big, stiff drink.

Blog Blog

I am really excited about my new blog, as I'm sure my many readers are. I really didn't know what a blog was when I first started. And, as I write this I still don't really know what a blog is. But, that lack of knowledge has never stopped me from diving into things before. I am even paying two dollars a day, to advertise my new blog. I want as many people as possible to benefit from my vast wisdom, and knowledge.

I have not hesitated to be on the cutting edge of technology. I have embraced taking the cyberspace ride. Some time ago I signed up for Myspace,Twitter, and facebook all on the same day. This, without having the slightest idea what they were. I was the first person on my block to buy an ipad. I have not used it yet, but I will as soon as I figure out how to download music onto my ipod, which is still in the box.

My pioneering efforts have not been without it's detractors. When I invited my brother to be my "friend" on facebook, he became upset, and went into this long diatribe (just using that word qualifies me to have a blog) about how these social networks are an invasion of privacy, and promote identity theft. I must admit, I see his point, although he does come off a bit paranoid. And, to illustrate how my brother overreacts to things, I would like to give out his Visa number, to show him how safe it is. I encourage my reader(s) not to use this number, so as to illustrate a point to my brother. It is 4218 623 047 26653.

Another naysayer is a female homosexual friend of mine, who upon being told that I was writing a blog, said, "That's gay." I was a bit confused, because, well, she IS gay! Like the blog title says, Our Lives Mock Us.

The one good thing about my new blog is that it has helped me reconnect with old friends. Regrettably, it turns out that, according to one of my friend's facebook page she is a "friend" of Rush Limbaugh. After much soul searching, I have decided to continue to communicate with her on the cyber highway. I should add that I paid $25 online, and I am now an ordained minister. It is Reverend Denny's opinion than my conservative friend may burn in the fiery depths of hell. And, check back, because I will attempt to give You HER credit card number on a future blog.

Tiger, Ben and I

I was stunned when the Tiger scandal broke. I was disgusted when the Ben in the bathroom story was reported. What is wrong
with these guys? Can't they keep it in their pants? If not for themselves, at least for me!
I have a pathetic little life that revolves around sports. I live solely to see the Steelers in the Super Bowl. I watch golf to see Tiger break Jack's Majors record. It is a sad life,but it is my life.
At first, I couldn't figure out why Tiger had to cheat on arguably one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. And, why does a two time Super Bowl winning quarterback have to keep forcing himself on women?
My mom, who never spoke, unless it was in cliches, used to say that time heals all wounds. Sure these two are scumbags. And, of course, they are only repenting to appease a judgemental public. A public littered with scumbags like myself.
I have gone from wanting them both dragged through the dirt, for raining on my parade, to now wanting them both left alone.
My mom, she of the all you can eat cliches, used to say, "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.'' ( I think somebody else said that first, and my mom was always throwing stones, but I digress).
Tiger goes to rehab for getting laid too much. Oh, yeah, and cheating on his wife. I told you I was a scumbag. First off, I am an alcoholic, and "sex addiction" is NOT an addiction. And, I'm almost positive he's not the first person to cheat on his spouse.
And, Ben. Off the football field, he's a loser. If you are the starting quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and you have to force yourself on hotel employees and drunk co-eds, you are a loser. But this crap Commissioner Goodell is spewing about protecting the (NFL) SHIELD is nonsense. There are more criminal types in the NFL, then there are in the Mexican cartels.
The press, and public will not let up on these guys. But I wish they would. Tiger is starting to play bad, and I see a 2011 Steeler Superbowl appearance slipping away. C'mon, everybody, they are not role models. They are just people playing sports. Cut 'em a break. These clowns are all I have. If you can't do it for me, do it for my mom. Remember, let he who is without sin... .